naked

Did I get your attention?

I am going to tear back and walls I may have surrounded myself with to try and accept and understand myself. I have so much passion for finding ways to promote self improvement and sharing these droplets of wisdom helps me to stay focused and positive. It what I feel is my purpose in this life. I used to think it was to reproduce now I feel it is much deeper. We are all connected someway or another so reproducing is just a way of keeping our species going, it is animal instinct for the majority of us. I have always been in search for a deeper meaning to our short time on earth. Along this journey I have encountered different sides to who I am, some I love and some I have learnt a lot from. My mind can be totally overactive at times with positivity and others with a deep reflection which can make me question everything. I self diagnosed myself with bi-polar this weekend and then realised that all of the diagnosises are ways to catergories us. Why can't I have these feelings and just be me ? Why do we have to have classifications? so they can prescribe us the most effective medication?

When I was younger I had uncontrollable instance of anger and sadness, I look back to realise I was just a child who had lost all faith in humans. My Dad didn't want to meet me, my brothers dad was abusive and I had experienced so many instances of disrespect with boys growing up. I started to make myself a victim, I searched for pain to confirm I was right that a true loving human connection wasn't real. I reinvented myself when I joined the Army but still I couldn't connect properly to people and I would not miss people. I think I built a defense mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt. Don't get attached and you wont get hurt.

I started to meditate and find self love through yoga, it has helped me so much and I have learnt that a real connection is possible. I have given myself to someone and let my guard down... Ellie, my beautiful soul mate is my best friend and whom I share my darkest secrets with. No holding back. I love her unconditionally and their is nothing she could say or do to make me see her than anything other than a beautiful person. I accept all who she is and all that she does. We have a connection which is so strong even though we are miles apart. I don't think this happens many times in a life time but I feel blessed every day we are on this planet together. She sees me and knows me more than I know myself. We do not judge but see each other as one person. Now why cant we do that for everyone?

This weekend I have my first spell of anxiety in my relationship. I have a new posting coming up to live and work on the same military barracks as him. We were discussing moving in together and future plans and I started to feel myself panic. What was happening? I started worrying about whether this was right, was I going to make him happy ? My plan for the next 2 years was to sign off from the military be out by next September and complete my yoga course in India. I would be away for a few months and would have to rely on him for a home to return to. Would I ? why would I ? Why have I become such I worrier? I brought it up with Richie and the conversation didn't go as well as I hoped. I keep expecting his reaction to be similar to Ellie's with everything. I need to drop all expectations and stop worrying about the future, what ever happens happens. He is a great guy and I feel completely loved and respected by him. his heart is so big and his mind is peaceful. . So what do I do ? Its simple..... nothing. Be in this moment don't worry about the future.

So why am I sharing this ? I want people to remember that all these feelings are OK we are human. With this we have the pleasure of having hormonal changes, a mind and emotions - all linking together to create you. At times you can be out of sync and others you may feel complete peace. Both moments will come and go and neither of them you should hold on to. We have a constant battle to stop our mind from taking over. It seeks adventure, acceptance, love, power so many things which can cause imbalance. Accept that you will have thoughts and feelings but when they become to much sit down and connect to the universe. This means many different things, it may be your god, your yoga practice, your garden , your painting anything that stops you from thinking. When you clear your mind, that is the soul of you, that is all that matters. Here you will receive inner wisdom and energy which will take you on your journey to your purpose. Sounds far fetched and I have to remind myself everyday. For me writing, meditating and yoga all help me, you don't have to be a master at any just do it for you. If you choose to share your ways so be it, you can then help others along the way.

One thought that always helps me is that everything in my life right now is for a reason so not to fight it but to flow with it and learn any lessons that can strengthen you. Do you feel your in the wrong job, with the wrong partner ? write down why you feel this, along with the positives and negatives of making any changes. Sometimes we think the grass is greener and we miss a good thing when we have it, other times the universe is giving you signals to take a different path. Which ever you decided go with it with a positive mind and know that every moment will be exactly how it needs to be. Things will change for you but know that no situation or change is bad it is just different, we can still find happiness in them we just have to let ourselves. So be present and love everyone you come into contact with as they are your teacher.