Open your heart

Sat at Mersea beach waiting for the sun to kiss the night, creating a pyramid of beautiful rocks and shells, I decided I would try something I never have before. I decided to be honest, not with myself but to him. Instead of putting up a cold barrier and making a quick dash for the exit, I chose to stay and tell him my fears. Staring out at the horizon, my hands occupied with creating a grand pile of stones. Taking a deep breath I told him exactly what I was feeling at the risk of him walking away. My fear was I would hurt him, that I was opening up myself to him and we would become so intwined that I could not walk away, if I ever needed to. I told him I felt my purpose was not to create a secure family but to cut ties with society as it is and immerse myself in other cultures and place. I've tried to do it before and I shot blame at the person I was with, this wasn't fair because although we weren't completely right for each other, if my heart was in settling down and  creating a  stable home I would of made it work. I wouldn't of daydreamed about seeing the world and leaving that life behind.

 I couldn't stand the feeling inside so I told him honestly that one day I might not come back from where I may be exploring. Not that that's my plan but I don't want him to think that I am a safe bet. I didn't think it was fair to keep going without saying this because he had the right to make a decision. Would he stay with me and have fun until our journey together possibly ended or would he want to call it a day and leave in the hope of finding what he wanted in a partner ?

His reaction was calm and understanding, he told me he knew this was the case. He knew I had a dream I needed to follow but he just loved our time together. He wasn't in any rush of getting married and having children.

With his response a tear fell to the sand, I looked at the sun to the right in the hope he wouldn't see. His love for me was real he wanted me to be happy even if that meant letting me go at some point. It wasn't obsessive, it was what people crave when they read love stories.  I asked him if he thought I was selfish and his reply was my thoughts, we all have things we need to follow and you shouldn't ignore it because it won't go away. We settled with that and it has helped me so much, we are now choosing to be with eachother knowing everyday we may go separate ways. This is bazaar to many but it feels exactly right. Nobody knows what is written in the stars but I think listening to your heart and sharing your dreams with people who love you are important. They need to know what maybe in store so they can decided what is right for them. Maybe I think to much but that's because it's helping me search for something? I can live in the moment and be content but I can listen to my drive and hear my song when I'm onto something ❤️